Masks

***From an old journal I found***

I don't know whee I came to believe that life is fair, but womewhere along the line I started to grossly misunderstand the world in which I live. Life isn't fair. People are dishonest by nature. they may not realize it, but they are. Everyone hides their true self behind a mask of some sort or another. Whether their mask be that of kindness, wholeness or oneness; a mask is just that, a way to hide (or mask) yourself from how others (or even you) see you. My mask is one of confidence. I pretend that I can take the world by the horns and accomplish whatever I want. Deep down I feel helpless. I wonder if I can even get a job, draw a picture or write something that anyone would like to read. I look in the mirror and I see me. If I am getting ready to go out, I think that I am fat, I have too much acne, my clothes are out of style and that nobody in their right mind could find me attractive. But every once in a while, I will look in the mirror and see something different. Usually it will start when I notice my eyes. In the right light, when I am wearing the right color of shirt, my eyes will catch just enough light to sparkle. All at once I feel attractive. I look at my waist and I think -- Just a little work and I will have my 32 back, but in the mean time, I am only a 34. I look at my face and notice a pimple of two, but I know that they won't be there forever and when I look at my clothes, I think, One day with a little effort i will be able to buy the clothes I want. I realize that of all the people in the world, I would date myself first. This may sound narsistic, but I understand myself, I know whatI want, even if I don't know how to express it. I know that one day i will tak off my mask and then realize that my confidence wasn't a mask at all. I just had to believe in myself enough to believe in myself.